‘Alternative Facts’ Deemed Valid After Peer-Review From ‘Alternative Medicine’ Practitioner

Senior White House aide Kellyanne Conway came under fire recently for using the term ‘alternative facts’ to describe false White House claims that Donald Trump’s inauguration crowd was the biggest in history. Leading expert in ‘alternative medicine’ Alistair Baldwin lends his homeopathic support to the Trump administration.

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When you look at the above images – Trump’s inauguration turnout on the left, Obama’s on the right – you might be mistaken into thinking Obama had the better turn out…

But what if I told you that diluting Obama’s big crowd into a much smaller crowd actually boosted the Trump crowd’s therapeutic, homeopathic potency.

And that when Donald’s spokesman Sean Spicer referred to Trump’s inauguration turnout as “the biggest in history” he meant ‘biggest’ in the homeopathic meaning of the word, i.e. 100% interchangeable with ‘smallest’.

And that when Trump counselor Kellyanne Conway defended Spicer’s claims as giving the “alternative facts”, she was in fact opting into the very lucrative tradition of removing any burden of ‘proof’ or ‘legitimacy’ placed on her by liberal use of the word ‘alternative’.

Readers, it’s come to my attention that alternative facts – the very foundation of the alternative scientific method I hold dear – are under attack. As Australia’s foremost homeopath & alternative medicine expert, I’m here to set the record straight on homeopathy in the age of Trump.

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Homeopathy refers to a system of alternative medicine “in which ailments are treated by minute doses of natural substances that in larger amounts would produce symptoms of the ailment”. In this case, Obama’s large crowd produced symptoms of inferiority in Trump, so he treated this inferiority by having a miniscule version of Obama’s crowd at his inauguration. Genius.

How do I know all this? I’ve been moonlighting as a homeopath for the past 6 years (moonlighting is a play on words here because I get most of my power from the moon, also I don’t declare any income for tax).

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Me (pictured) absorbing moonbeams

And unlike some forms of alternative medicine, like Chinese herbal medicine – whose inclusion under an ‘alternative’ umbrella is largely due to medical Eurocentrism despite Nobel Prize winning research otherwise validating centuries of empirical data – homeopathy has the advantage of being completely without scientific weight cross-culturally. Build bridges, not walls, guys.

Instead, homeopathy runs purely on the power of belief, and if I’ve learned anything from skimming through a WikiHow article on the placebo effect and reading Tinkerbell’s memoir Finding Your Voice: Tales From Neverland, it’s that believing in something basically makes it true.

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I do believe in fairies! I do, I do!

Never mind that actual medicine also benefits from the placebo effect, in addition to the positive physiological effect it will have whether you believe in it or not. Overkill much, science nerds?

Trump knows all this because he’s heir to a great tradition of homeopathy. The Trump name is an anglicization of Drumpf, a German surname – meaning Donald is likely a direct descendent of German scientist Samuel Hahnemann (1755 – 1843, RIP), founder of homeopathy.

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What a hot guy (no homeo)

Or maybe Donald’s not a direct descendent and is instead Hahnemann’s cousin’s postman’s girlfriend’s sister’s great-great-great-grandnephew. But given blood is 55% plasma, and plasma is 92% water, and water has memory… they’re basically father and son when you think about it.  

I for one am very glad that Trump is getting in touch with his German pseudoscience roots – because harmful German ideology using a “scientific” framework to lend itself rhetorical legitimacy has never resulted in something bad happening. Never. Not once.

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Social Darwinism by Alistair Baldwin, mixed media (stolen Darwin pic + Clip Art party hat)

That being said, sources tell me homeopathy wasn’t Trump’s first foray into alternative sciences. Tobias ‘Sweaty Palms’ Johnson, a palm-reader based in Washington DC, tells me that Trump approached him for a reading in the leadup to the election.

Johnson unfortunately had to turn away the reality TV superstar, stating that “his hands were so small […] and my eyesight ain’t what it used to be”.

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“I literally do have a genetic disorder which means I have abnormally small hands so this line of humor is 100% above board” – Alistair Baldwin, on reclaiming small-hand humor.

It should be pretty apparent now, after explaining how homeopathy works, that terms like ‘alternative facts’, ‘post-truth’ and ‘fake news’ aren’t a vernacular litmus test signalling some larger culture of misinformation in the new US government, causing mistrust and anxiety to spread through the nation like a cancer.

If you are concerned about actual cancer, however, please refer to this recipe for Pete Evans’ bone broth to build your immunity.

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